| People say that domestic violence victims have | | | | porous boundaries or developed them in the context |
| serious boundaries issues...which they do. And so do | | | | of the abusive relationship is debatable. Some people |
| the perpetrators that they live with. It comes with | | | | will tell you she lost her boundaries to stay "alive" |
| the territory of being in an abusive relationship. | | | | amidst domestic abuse. |
| You might think of it as two people having a | | | | Other people will say that she wouldn't have |
| tolerance for the actions of the other. Or, it can be | | | | gravitated to nor remained with an abusive partner if |
| seen as operant conditioning in play wherein one | | | | she had boundaries in the first place. The implication, |
| person conditions the other to surrender their | | | | of course, is that her lack of boundaries is what led |
| boundaries for safety in the relationship. Abusive | | | | to her staying in an abusive relationship. I think both |
| relationship help typically recognizes these boundary | | | | are true. |
| issues. | | | | Healing Boundaries Issues for the Abuser and for the |
| Abuser's Lack of Boundaries | | | | Abused |
| From his point of view, "If you are in relation to him, | | | | A cornerstone of abusive relationship help involving |
| he has the right to all that is you." For example, when | | | | effective domestic abuse counseling is teaching both |
| he asks you a question, he expects you to deliver an | | | | people how to access, exercise and honor personal |
| answer—no matter what. | | | | boundaries for themselves and for each other. This |
| From his perspective, she merely appears as an | | | | requires a relearning of interaction skills. And the good |
| extension of him. She does not come to the | | | | news is that it can indeed be done. |
| relationship with boundaries. To the contrary, should | | | | Both batterers and victims recognize that they are |
| she interact with him as though she does have | | | | not responsible for the faulty learning that resulted in |
| personal boundaries, then there are consequences. | | | | their boundary issues; rather, they are responsible to |
| These so-called consequences may be a continued | | | | acknowledge and counteract their boundary issues. |
| tug-of-war, an attack on another front or some | | | | Their respective jobs are self-discovery, responsible |
| subtle punishment simply for her attempt to be | | | | interactive assertion and the ongoing honoring of one |
| herself. For when she is herself, he experiences it as | | | | another, while honoring oneself. |
| his being slighted—the nerve of her not to deliver | | | | If you are in an abusive relationship, which fails to |
| what he wants or expects. | | | | honor and respect your personal boundaries, initiate a |
| Victim's Lack of Boundaries | | | | domestic violence intervention to ultimately break this |
| Now whether she came to the relationship with | | | | dysfunctional dynamic before it spirals out of control. |