| Nobody ever deserves to get hooked into an | | | | themselves? Well that is the way it works. Why, on |
| abusive relationship, but that is exactly what does | | | | earth, would he bother to work at the relationship, |
| happen to a lot of us. In fact, the statistics suggest | | | | when he can leave that stuff to you? |
| that 1 in 4 women will undergo domestic violence - | | | | Secret #5 Make sure you have a really, really |
| and that probably doesn't include those of us who | | | | skewed idea of the World. He is wonderful, and you |
| "only" suffer mental and emotional abuse. | | | | are awful. Now, this one is a little counter-intuitive, |
| So why does it happen? | | | | but you'll probably understand it anyway. Most of the |
| Why does it happen, even in these relatively | | | | time he acts like a complete jerk. Yet that doesn't |
| 'enlightened times'? And why does it happen to the | | | | stop you believing that he is wonderful, and lovable, |
| rich and famous no less than to anyone else. | | | | and his behaviour is all your fault, anyway. You, on |
| Secret #1 It doesn't just happen; it comes about for | | | | the other hand, do everything you possibly can to be |
| a reason. Abused women settle for an abusive | | | | loving, caring, understanding, and supportive, and |
| relationship because we were taught to settle for | | | | keep the peace, yet, all the time, you are vile, and |
| less. Mostly, we were taught by parents, or other | | | | horrible, and nobody else would ever want you. |
| carers, to settle for: | | | | (Doubtless because you are too loving, caring, |
| - Less love | | | | understanding and supportive...) |
| - Less respect | | | | WHOA! Reality check, please! If it looks like a jerk, |
| - Less care | | | | talks like a jerk, and acts like a jerk, there is a good, |
| - Less consideration | | | | O-B-V-I-O-U-S reason for that: it's a jerk. Every single |
| - Less support | | | | jerk, since the beginning of time, has come with a |
| - Less encouragementthan we wanted or needed. | | | | guarantee, written in large print, across his forehead, |
| Nobody's suggesting that we liked it, or that we | | | | which, curiously enough, nobody ever bothers to |
| wanted it, but - usually at a young age - we were | | | | read, or heed, at the start. It reads: "This jerk is |
| programmed to expect that that was all we would | | | | guaranteed to make you as unhappy as you have |
| get, and so we internalized that. It was never your | | | | ever been in your entire life. He will never change or |
| fault, you were programmed to have an Achilles heel | | | | improve to make you happy." Enough said. |
| that you didn't even know you had. | | | | Secret #6 Always, always focus on him. It's all about |
| Secret #2 We become awfully good at denial. Well, | | | | him, isn't it? You are so convinced that he needs to |
| you would, wouldn't you? When you learn that you | | | | change, that he is perfectible, and a fine human being |
| are not that important, and you don't matter that | | | | whose light is largely hidden by a dung heap, that you |
| much, it becomes second nature to blame yourself | | | | completely and utterly disregard yourself. You'll be |
| for whatever happens, does it not? Especially when | | | | happy, when he... You'll be able to grow and thrive |
| everyone else is in the habit of blaming you. You | | | | emotionally, when he... You'll defer having any good |
| accept that everything that happens is your fault. | | | | feelings, until you can bestow them on him first. |
| (Do you remember The 3 Wise Monkeys, See No | | | | Think about it for a moment: abusive men don't do |
| Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil? According to | | | | selflessness, and they certainly don't defer |
| Wikipedia there could be a fourth one also: Do No | | | | gratification. They want their emotional pay-offs and |
| Evil. And, according to Annie, there should be a fifth | | | | they want them now, toddler style. If having warm, |
| one: Live No Evil. What I mean by that is never, | | | | fuzzy, loving feelings mattered to them, if being |
| ever, resign yourself to live with the evil, negative | | | | happy mattered to them, they would have focused |
| projections that a loved one foists on you. When | | | | their energies in that direction, instead of the eternal |
| someone tells you that you are most kinds of awful | | | | rant of dissatisfaction. |
| and you swallow it, you are living their evil. Don't do it. | | | | Secret #7 Let him take control of the relationship |
| They're wrong.) | | | | from the first minute. You may not like the way he |
| Secret #3 Always, always let him off the hook. | | | | does things - in fact, you probably won't - but let him |
| Collude with him in accepting that he is never | | | | know that you are prepared to accept whatever he |
| accountable for his actions. You made him do it - | | | | dishes out, regardless. Ignore everything you see |
| whatever it happens to be at the time. | | | | that you don't like. If you prefer, you could ask him |
| Secret #4 If you keep on throwing love at him, he's | | | | to change and take your wishes into account. But |
| bound to improve one day. Isn't he? Your love is the | | | | then, when he fails to do so, back down. He'll be fine |
| alchemy that will one day turn his dross into gold. Or, | | | | with that, although he might have a temper tantrum. |
| if you prefer, just keep waving your magic wand as | | | | You probably won't be as comfortable with that, but |
| hard as you can and, some day, the magic is bound | | | | that is not important, is it? (See Secret #6 above.) |
| to work (if your arm doesn't drop off from | | | | Now you know the 7 Secrets to creating an abusive |
| exhaustion first). The best case scenario is that one | | | | relationship. Hopefully, bringing them to your attention |
| day, you will finally have some power and influence | | | | in a slightly brutal way will help protect you for the |
| that lasts longer than 5 minutes, in the relationship... | | | | future. |
| So sorry to dispel another hope, but it really doesn't | | | | The next step is all about learning how to do things |
| work like that. You know how the more you do for | | | | dramatically differently, so that, when you are ready, |
| other people, the less they bother to do for | | | | you can create the great relationship you desire. |