| 1. You may be attracted by his apparent 'strength', | | | | or the easy way. Choose not to trust your intuition |
| 'confidence', determination, aggressive masculinity - | | | | and you'll probably pay for it. Big time. Your intuition is |
| the kind of qualities you know you lack. | | | | there to keep you safe.) |
| 2. Or it may be his vulnerability that appeals. You | | | | 12. He's all sweetness and light with you, but he |
| might find yourself saying: "he just needs someone | | | | shows quite different behaviours with other people. |
| to really, really love him (and heal his pain.) Why does | | | | (Rest assured that, with time, you'll become 'other |
| it need to be you? Feeling sorry for someone is no | | | | people'.) |
| basis for a loving, equal relationship. | | | | 13. There are odd 'blips' when his behaviour leaves |
| (Your focus has shifted from you, your wants and | | | | you feeling that you're dealing with someone you |
| your needs, to his. He has replaced you as the centre | | | | don't even know. (The 'good' behaviours that you like |
| of your universe.) | | | | are his best - or courting - behaviours. The 'blips' are |
| 3. He really, really wants to hear about all the | | | | an indication of his real self and what the future will |
| problems you're having at the beginning of the | | | | hold; increasingly.) |
| relationship. He may even have the same problems | | | | 14. He can always find reasons for not spending time |
| himself. (Be very wary, he may be doing one of two | | | | with your friends and family. He may try to |
| things: he may be learning all about your Achilles' heel | | | | discourage you from spending time with them also. |
| and the best buttons to push in the future to | | | | The more he can isolate you, the more power he will |
| humiliate and control you; or he may be encouraging | | | | have over you. |
| you to feel that at least he understands what you're | | | | 15. He's not happy to accept you the way you are. |
| going through. | | | | (Maybe it's because he can see all your 'potential' |
| 4. He expects a big return on his investment. He may | | | | better than you can. Maybe it's because, with his |
| seem happy to put your needs and wishes first for a | | | | input, you could present yourself so much better to |
| little while, but it won't be long before he starts | | | | the world; in his eyes anyway.) |
| saying: "Look at everything I do for you. You should | | | | 16. He'll remind you regularly what a wonderful guy he |
| be doing X, Y and Z for me." | | | | is and how lucky you are to have him. (Although he |
| 5. The relationship moves forward very fast. | | | | might also admit that he's a loser when he's feeling |
| (Abusive men woo as fast as they can. They know | | | | low, or else to get you back on side.) |
| that they can't sustain consistent good behaviour for | | | | If you have any doubts that your partner may be, |
| very long. Good behaviour doesn't give them the pay | | | | or may become, abusive, take the relationship slowly |
| offs they want. For more on that see The Circle of | | | | and listen to the advice of friends and family whose |
| Violence) | | | | judgement you can trust. If you don't like what they |
| 6. He talks at length, and interestingly about himself. | | | | say and find yourself replying: "But you don't |
| You share a common interest - him. | | | | understand. He's not like that...", the chances are, |
| 7. The women who he's had relationships with in the | | | | you're wrong and they're right. |
| past didn't understand him and let him down or | | | | Any of the above should be considered an important |
| behaved badly. (Be afraid.) If at all possible, you want | | | | warning sign. |
| to meet these women and hear their point of view. | | | | If you hear ANY alarm bells going in your head, listen |
| If he can badmouth them, can you be sure you | | | | to them carefully and act on them right away. |
| won't be next? | | | | The damage an abusive relationship causes is |
| 8. His relationship with his family has broken down. | | | | cumulative. You cannot make an abusive relationship |
| They may have let him down too. | | | | work by putting up and shutting up. It will drain you |
| 9. There are areas of his life that he's not telling you | | | | dry. |
| about. (Rest assured, there is a good reason for | | | | It is quite possible to break away from the hooks of |
| that.) | | | | abusive relationships, but it can be very hard to do |
| 10. He's got a history of alcohol and/or drug abuse, | | | | without help. Enlisting the help of someone who |
| and possibly violence. | | | | understands and is skilled at helping women work |
| 11. When you first meet him, there's something about | | | | their way through the problems of an abusive |
| him that you don't like. (You can do it the hard way, | | | | relationship will really speed your recovery. |